WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
