I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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