my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
