i'm signing you up for texting rehab
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
