Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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