I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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