side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Terrible idea I love it
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
