I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize