i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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