he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
