im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
