i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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