i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
