I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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