just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
