I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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