im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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