I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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