a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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