you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
