The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
