hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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