I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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