Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
