she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
