My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
