i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
