How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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