Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
