Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
