just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
