I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
