I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
