I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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