Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dignity is for republicans.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
