dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize