NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
