my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
