No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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