One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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