nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Rumble strips road head = magical
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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