Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You did what with his pubic hair?
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