so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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