tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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