Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
