What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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