Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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