I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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