Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
