I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
