I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
