she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize