Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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