I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
