tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
