just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you had me at cake vodka
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
