i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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