i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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