he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
