Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Houston, we have a squirter
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
