My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize