i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My pussy is not your playground.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
