I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
