I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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