oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
